The day everyone found out.

MARCH 22, 2015 ~ AMBERLEA
Have you ever had a secret that you hoped no one would ever find out? Something you hid from the world? You’d go about your daily life wondering if people knew. I do. It’s been so long since I’ve been afraid and had to face my inadequacies.  I started to think I didn’t have to hide. But my world came crashing down, like a train barreling down the tracks it hit me, it ran me over, I didn’t even see it coming. If I did, I wouldn’t have been able to move. Yes this may be a bit dramatic but it is what I felt, experienced, 26 years buildup to crumble in such an unexpected moment. I’ve moved to Korea. I am on the hunt for a church. I’ve visited a couple. I was attending membership classes to join one church. At the end of the class they had a test, a page long test about their church.
At the beginning of the class the pastor said pay attention because there’s a test at the end. My heart dropped. Why? Because I knew I would fail. I told myself it was okay, it’s probably an easy test, and it’s not like they’re expecting you to memorize the entire membership book. It’s not like they’re going to only accept the correct words, they’d understand if you put a different word that had the same meaning.  And then I received the test. I was wrong, it was worse than I expected. I read the first three questions. Then I read them again. And again. And again. I froze. The answers I did know I couldn’t write. The rest I forgot. I failed. I got an email saying I had failed and I could re-write.  I failed. I failed. I failed. I failed. I failed.
The thing is, it may take five tries before I pass, if I ever do. You see I have a learning disability-NOS (not otherwise specified). You may be more familiar with dyslexia (it is also a learning disability).  What does this mean? Am I stupid? My immediate response is yes. But this I have learned is an unhealthy view, because it’s not true. I remind myself that I am not. But the thing is, I’ve never really believed it. All the voices over the years that tell me I’m stupid, I adamantly respond with a no. I am brilliant. I am smart. I am a strong and stubborn women. I am educated. I have a university education. I have wisdom. I am a force to be reckoned with. In some ways I am smarter than you. In other ways I am no smarter than a ten year old. I am slow in some areas. It is frustrating. There are some things I can’t grasp, they feel like they are within reach but they just aren’t. It makes me mad. I ask myself why I am so stupid. I ask myself what’s wrong with me. I ask God why he made me this way.
For some time I have been seen as a knowledgeable professional, because I am. I haven’t been bullied in so long for being slow. I haven’t been made to feel like I was stupid or inferior. But you see I failed this test. And in one unexpected moment I was made to feel stupid and inadequate. Not by anything the church did (expect for having a test). If the assessment process was different I could pass.
I want so desperately to find a church to worship God, and have a community of believers. I was told I could re-write the test. I laughed inside. You see there is this story in the bible (John 5) about a lame man. For over 30 years he was trying to get healed by getting into the pool at Bethesda. There was however a slight problem, HE WAS LAME. He couldn’t walk. This guy named Jesus comes along and says “Hey want to be healed”. I can only imagine the guy looking back at Jesus with a glare like “Uh yah, of course, but can’t you see, I’M LAME, I CAN’T WALK”. Jesus ends up healing him.  Can you feel his frustration though? For over 30 years he has been so close to this pool, this healing life giving pool, almost within grasp but never can actually attain it, because of the way he was created. It is so frustrating, desiring to be a member of a church, wanting to be a part of the community, seeing the need for spiritual discipleship that I could have, but I can’t pass this test and attain it (the social worker in me says, barrier. Fight for the rights of the disabled. You’re not the only one, advocate for change in the assessment process). GRHHHHHH. This is where the similarity ends between the two stories. God’s not healing me. It’s been 26 years. Do I need more faith? No. Do I need to confess sin? No.  God is not going to heal me, and at this point I prefer it that way. Why?
In John 5, regarding the man born blind, the disciples asked Jesus who sinned, him (blind man) or his parents. Jesus responded “neither he nor his parents sinned. He was born blind that my works should be manifest in him”. WOW!!! After coming home to my apartment, crying a bit, and asking God once again why He created me like this, He reminded me of the passage in John 5. As John Calvin wrote in the West Minister Confession of Faith “What is the chief end of man? To glorify God, and enjoy Him forever.  So I have been created to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. Like the man born blind, God knit me together in my mother’s womb, He created me with a learning disability that He would be glorified, that His works would be manifested in me. Paul had an infirmity and we learn that many throughout scripture had inadequacies, disabilities, weaknesses etc.  I don’t pray to get healed. I pray that the God who created me with a learning disability, that his works should be manifested in me, that the people I come in contact with will encounter the same love and grace which he has lavished on me.
And that is what I have learned in Korea.