For myself May is a pivotal month of emotions for me. Delightful celebrations of Birthdays; my husbands' and my own, and our Anniversary celebrating nineteen years of life together through ups and downs, with the guidance of our Heavenly Father. We are blessed and grateful, growing and deepening in faith and love.May also Springs crocuses, daffodils, trillium, hyacinth, forsythia; buds of hope burst forth on limbs that appeared dead and forlorn under the weight of Winter. I so enjoy every season for it's own splendor, and the way that it clearly proclaims the creativity and tender care of it's Maker.
In May we honour Mothers. I have been dearly blessed with a Mom who is sweet, present in my life, encouraging, creative and more.... My Mother-in-law was a joyful, faithful, wise, and adventurous lady who has preceded us to Heaven by cancer; but her legacy lives on. I thank God for them and other dear women who have demonstrated motherly care towards me over the years of my life; Grandma and Oma, aunts, Sunday School teachers, neighbour, coach, mentors, co-workers, managers I've worked under, fellow missionaries, and Pastors' wives, music artists, and authors, quaint shop owners, and more have influenced my life in motherly ways, and I am blessed and so very grateful.
My heart sincerely goes out to Moms during this global pandemic. Your schedules are hectic, your time to yourself zilch as babysitters and regular scheduled programs, lessons, practices and more are on hold. Everything has been turned upside down, and you and your household are feeling it. I am thinking and praying for the Mothers I know that are doing there best in these times. May the Lord give you perseverance, grace, strength, peace and patience.
Isn't that sweet and precious, a heartfelt way to end..... I wanted to begin with the good, true and grateful. God in Heaven has truly heaped upon me blessings by the ton. Spiritual riches that no circumstances can tarnish or steal (Ephesians 1-3). Earthly blessings I truly am humbled to hold. God has given me much. I praise Him, and thank Him often, amazed.
However, May also wakens in me honest feelings of turmoil in my soul that have been there for years, but arise every May; feelings of grief at unmet expectations. I have endometriosis, and have posted on this in the past, you can look back at if you like. As the years pass my perspective and maturity at addressing these feelings has grown, thanks to the Holy Spirit in me and His ability to transform my thinking (Romans 12:1-2). To Him alone be glory.
I wanted to take time to write this post to my own soul, and to those of you in similar boats of circumstance, as well as to those who have children of their own just to shed light on the reality others' face and share honestly.
I encourage my own mind and spirit through the month of May in many different ways.
Practically; I choose to smell all the flowers blooming, enjoy the simple joys of the season. Hanging laundry on the line, observing seeds sprout, walking in warmer temperatures with less outer gear, tuning into the sweet melodies of chirping birds, thinking on their flight patterns, and watching them nest and nurture. I celebrate with delight the milestones and markers on our calendar and life with gusto and recalling the days gone by. With hope I look to the future no matter what comes or doesn't because I know that Jesus Christ is the anchor of my soul.I allow myself to feel what I'm going to without trying to deny or suppress the emotions. This has been a journey for me, and I've failed at it countless times; if you doubt that, ask Nathan. What a man he is; patient, consistent, faithful and devoted to comforting me, supporting me, accepting me and the reality of our infertility. It effects us both. Yet he is committed to our marriage and embraces the blessings and trials in faith and leads me by doing so.
When my feelings surface I must choose well. I have a journal I don't frequently use, but taking time to write down and process my thoughts and emotions on paper helps me to gather what's really going on within. I turn to God in prayer, and know that bearing my soul to Him is always safe. He hears. He knows. He compassionately welcomes my expressions of heart, and is working. His way, in His time, He never stops accomplishing good through our perceived hardships. He is ever present and wisely writing an eternal story much bigger in scope than our finite perceptions can fathom. Ah, what comfort that is, and hope. There my soul rests. In Him my Shepherd I have all I need.
Prayer, reading Scripture, listening to good music, drinking cups of tea, letting the tears flow and coming back to a mindset of gratitude and an active faith that chooses to submit to the hand of God is how I address my own heart in the processing of emotions.We must firmly believe God, and continually align our view of Him and His character with what is true. There are incredible resources for which I'm grateful that have helped me to do this repeatedly.
Please dear one reading this, know that you are not alone. Others are hurting too. There is a Saviour that wants to hold you close. He is good and trustworthy. You may not find the answers you desire or expect, but His ways are higher than ours, and He is calling out to you with hope, peace, comfort and help. Even when our desires are left unmet, it is for His good purposes. It's hard to wrap our minds around that, but that's where faith is exercised.
May you know this Mother's Day even if your womb is barren, your heart can have joy that overflows. Your Creator, the God of Heaven offers a help that is sufficient not just for now, but forever. Jesus came to give us life, one that's definitely not without hurt, deep valleys of hardships, and mountains that feel impassible. But through our lives wherever they lead, He is present. He is worthy of worship and faithful. Our present existence is just the prologue, eternity is real, and will be an extravagantly unfolding a plot too amazing for words. I will see it, because I know Jesus has rescued me from my sin and given me an anchor of certain hope for the future. Do you know that certainty for yourself?
If children ever grace our home as our own it will be miraculous. If they don't there are an ever abundant flow of blessings that God has lavished upon our lives; even including the blessing of infertility. It's bitter more than sweet, but with open hands I accept His good will and ask for His help daily to live for His glory and shine the Light of His grace.
"May the God of hope fill you (dear reader) with joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that hope may overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
Hold onto hope, dear soul. Accept with faith that your suffering is His appointed agenda that is full of faithful love, and prospects of opportunity that you don't see now. Keep on doing the next thing, and the next, and the one after that..... Living faithfully in the small ways you have control over, and constantly trusting Him and His heart for the big things you cannot control or fathom.
One day, one moment at a time.
From one barren wombed woman to you; Peace. In the name of Jesus Christ. I pray that this Mother's Day you'll be able to have His abiding peace, a gratitude for life and a hope that rises above the present circumstances.
